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theplaidknight
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read my profile
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Name: Steve
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Metro: Detroit
Birthday: 9/6/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: finding out whether or not other people can really tolerate me, and if so why I can't. Also just about anything that comes out of a glowing box with one face made of glass, and books, and music
Expertise: never being quite good enough, but often pulling through in crisis situations when others panic. And being one of the least- or worst- prepared Eagle Scouts this world bears wintess to
Occupation: Student
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/2/2003
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| The longest gulf between posts I have allowed has happened here and
how. Much to say, I have, and I will not even try to be
brief. Where to begin? Musical ensembles. This
semester I'm in the University Choral Society, University Band (I
didn't try out for Concert Band and I regret it greatly now), Marching
Band (which is simultaenously better and much worse than it was last
year), and Men's Chorus. I now wish I had also added on A
Cappella choir, but the spring will allow for that. Men's Chorus
now has over 140 members, and about 20 were not let in, and is pure
amazement. It just gets better every year, which I didn't think
was possible in years past but it just is. We have a full concert
on November 5th, but unfortunately it's at St. Mark's and not in
Kobacker hall. It will still be amazing.
I also have conducting class with Dr. Skoog this semester, which is
pretty awesome. I'm not terribly good at it but I'm learning a
lot. Music theory is, well, I'm getting through it, for the most
part, although augmented 6th chords are unkind. Music History is
a pain in the ass, but mostly because I'm just not good at that type of
class.
I downloaded itunes not long ago, and am immensely happy that I did
so. I need an ipod now, but that will cost a lot of money, but
I'll probably buy one anyway. With that I'll have little need for
a cd player anymore, and another electronic accessory that I will love
forever. I also could use a new computer but that will have to
wait until I have a lot more money in the bank. This one serves
me well still.
My major and status as a college student is in a bit of a limbo sort of
state, still. I definitely got kicked out of the clarinet studio
this past May, and am not in a studio now, which is kind of nice,
really, but I want to continue as a music major if I can. I have
started taking lessons, which are quite promising already, and I mean
to try out to be a vocal major in December. My voice, which I
consider to be a good one, will soon be well-trained as well, and I
look forward to it. I do plan on playing clarinet in the future,
just probably not as much, although I will be trying out for Symphonic
Band in the spring semester because I have great friends there and I
hear that there is a trip to Chicago that they will be taking.
Plus if I switch to a vocal major I'll be here several more years
anyway so I may as well enjoy it as much as I can. That's all I
have time for for now, I have to get to Marching Band rehearsal.
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| Thanks for the comment, Julie, and once again I apologize for being
such an over-emotional jackass. It's in my nature, along with
some other very unhelpful things. It was put in a very helpful
light by my good friend Clinton Webb once during this past year when he
said that I'm very ... thoughtful. It seems unless I'm doing
something rather useless, like reading one or more of the half-million
webcomics I peruse during the school year or playing video games, I
can't keep other things off of my mind. I can think of excuses
not to practice clarinet, or not to continue, that might well stagger
anyone else if I bothered to tell them, which I don't because I know
damn well they're flimsy as hell. On another note I never bother
to try and get dates because who wants to spend time alone with
me? Even with my best and oldest friends I barely spend time
unless it's wrapped around a gaming table with books and dice close at
hand. This is the most candid form of self-expression I ever
allow myself, mostly because, well, who wants to hear me whine about
how much I suck?
But I digress from anything interesting and will instead try and speak
of good things. I have found a job that seems regular, pays
great, and will cater to my needs of not working on Tuesday so I can go
get clarinet lessons at Oakland University. As long as I manage
to hold on to enough money, which shouldn't be a problem, Joey can
depend on me to have a TV for our dorm room in the fall. But
there is a bit of bad news among the good, although it could just be
called a bit of good judgment on my part, which is that I have decided
not to try and be in A Cappella Choir in the fall semester; I enjoy
marching band enough that I know I can't drop it, but I know that I'm
not good enough to miss an hour and a half a week and still stay up to
the task. I barely made it last year, I don't know what the hell
made me think I could try that this upcoming fall. Fall will
still be great, despite the sting of failure and the need I will have
to explain to people where the hell I am when the clarinet studio
should be assembled.
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| Well, it's been awhile, but not without reason. I have been quite
reluctant to post what I'm about to and it'll be emotional and stupid
but it ought to be said.
I have failed. For real and for true. This isn't a minor
one I speak of, either, like failing Critical Thinking or bassoon, or a
major one like continuing the practices that got me to fail critical
thinking in the first place. This one is potentially deeply
damaging and definitely scarring. I failed clarinet this past
semester. Not just put on "probation" like at the end of the fall
semester, but failed, as in, got an F, got kicked out of the studio
failed. I have to wait until the end of the upcoming fall
semester to try out again, and in the meantime I mean to kick my own
ass practicing until I can actualy play well. I am also most of
the way into lessons with the clarinet teacher at nearby Oakland
University here in good old Michigan; hopefully he'll help me suck
less, and my teacher from this past semester, Seth Larson, has also
offered to teach me lessons over the summer free of charge. I
really should take him up on that (he's in the area too) but I really
feel like I let him down, almost as badly as I know I let mysef
down. It's definitely that that hurts the most, not the failing
again, but the fact that I care so little for myself.
I have heard it said that to love others one must love oneself, but I
can't figure out if I even care about myself. I know I love my
friends - I would walk in front of a speeding train for almost anyone I
know and feel no remorse for the deed, but I don't entirely know if
that's just because I hold them in high esteem or if I'd just rather
get my shit ruined by a speeding train. I know I would be missed
at first, but I'm not even all that that memorable alive.
This is not all bad. I am still, even more strongly now,
considering trying out for a vocal studio and seeing if I really sing
as well as I'd like to think. However, I can't give up on
clarinet, so that presents somewhat of a problem, and I'm also lazy as
hell. The additional practice time means that this music major
who didn't not have a life nearly as much as he should have in the past
would get even less sleep. I have enough trouble in the mornings,
and I need to fix that too, mostly by sleeping more and getting used to
being up at the asscrack of dawn every morning in Bowling Green.
Maybe I should start taking naps, even though I never have in the
past. I think, in point of fact, that I have definitely fallen
into the line of thinking that a college student should act like a
child and do what he or she wants to do whenever the want is had.
That's pretty clearly a line of thinking that will lead me to being,
rather than just usually looking like, a hobo a few years down the
road. That said come fall semester a different person may well
wend his way through the corridors of the Moore Musical Arts Center,
but it will be a change for the better for his own sake.
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| Gosh, that last post was a doozy. I apologize again to anyone who
may have read it, but as I have stated before it's not going
anywhere. It was over-the-top, that much is certain, but there
was some truth in it too. It's late, I'll add to this (and by
that I mean write up another post) tomorrow if I find time. And
if my piano test goes well, because otherwise you can expect me to be
in a terror of a mood after that class.
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| This window refused to stop loading, so I decided to make sure I could
still post properly. Plus the Amazon search this page links to is
all wonky. So I don't think I can use that.
Weird...
Anyway, I thought it time to explain something to anone who might
bother to care. Yesterday was one of those awful Mondays we all
have once in a while, which make you wish your life could consist of a
bed and some leather straps instead of these damnable classes and
things. Well, that's what I thought, at least, and I thought
about doing some things that would get me said bed and said
straps. I think it very important to explain that the crushing
depression and rather disturbing bouts of rage did not come because I
had to get up early, or had to go to class. I like going to
class. There, I said it. Except in a few circumstances, I
really do want to be in my classes when they happen. I could
often care less about how early I have to get up, since I usually feel
about the same for a time after that no matter when I get up, and I
don't really care if I get enough sleep, because of what I see of
myself on these days.
On Sunday night, I worked for a good amount of time (including staying
up until 2) to finish music theory and aural skills homework. I
was pretty confident about the theory homework, not so much with the
aural skills - the flash-player thingy I was using to do my homework
crapped out on me on this computer and on one in the downstairs lab, so
I turned that in having finished only about a third of it. My
grade in aural skills, while not completely atrocious, is definitely a
cause for concern as it's a low C, or was when it was last told to
me. Theory will probably be a B, not a big deal, but I still wish
I were better at it. It did rather hurt my feelings having to
turn in a homework assignment half-assedly not-even-half-finished, but
it got worse in theory class when I got back a quiz I had completely
bombed because it and I were retarded. So I was pretty pissed-off
there, but then I went to piano and calmed down a lot, playing
instruments and singing generally do that to me since I focus very
tightly on that for the most part when I'm doing it. Another
point - if only I could hold such focus in anything else. I can't
even pay attention that close to my many stupid idle pursuits.
The clincher came in the next class, English. I am sitting on two
tests - 68 and 73% respectively, not much increase because I'm too lazy
to study and was also too lazy to get another copy of the text, which I
lost for about three weeks - and a quiz I got back Monday, a zero,
which I got because I didn't read the right text and left blank because
I knew damn well anything I would have tried to fabricate would have
been wrong, and if right would have been dishonest. So I got zero
out of ten points, likely throwing my grade back into D territory for
the only 3-credit class I have this semester.
In short, I see myself as a completely inadequate human being. I
am typing this all in instead of revising the paper I have due tomorrow
in my English class, and though I just reminded myself of a very
important point for it, I really should be working on it instead of
griping about how much I suck. But I really, really, do. I
have tried to put on the face of the lovable idiot for a long time, and
that has led me to stop thinking before I talk instead of not talking,
but then I say all kinds of completely retarded shit that no one wanted
to hear. Sure, I'll get off a good line once in a while, but who
doesn't? I can quote the Simpsons every few minutes when I see a
correlation with real life - how sad is that? No one I know here
even gets those quotes 95% of the time. I put others ahead of
myself almost exclusively, which sounds at first like a good thing, but
everyone has to be able to take care of oneself at some point, and I
only barely manage that. I have never had genuine
self-confidence. I act differently, sometimes drastically so, in
different social situations and still find myself the most comfortable
when I'm alone, like now. I throw money away like it's ticker
tape in a parade when I have it, so I already feel sorry for any family
I might have in the future. I let fear hold me back. That,
above all, hurts and troubles me, and it's a loop. Fear is
incredibly powerful, and I see very little in the way of being able to
confront it. I don't see myself as worth it. The reason why
I've been single for such a damn long time is probably fear, but I like
to call it pragmatism to myself, saying no young lady I'd like to be in
a relationship with deserves to get stuck with me, even though they
might think they want it. I have learned that lesson twice over
within the last two years and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I
second-guess myself and almost unconditionally blame myself when things
go wrong in relation to me. I still remember my father responding
to my repeated childhood apologies for the same infractions with
"You're not sorry! If you were you wouldn't do it again!" - and
what did I go ahead and do? What else? I know he was wrong,
but I still clam up something awful when I see someone else angry or
distressed in any way I can observe. I simply cannot deal with
it; sometimes I try but my attempts are weak and useless in most
instances. I tell myself I'd rather let someone cry it out of
they're crying, but I am really unable to deal with it. I want
everyone else's bad feelings to go away, forget mine, but I find myself
unable to deal with them at all except for forgetting them, and that is
temporary at best. I still have vivid memories of things I did
which made me feel like an idiot. Many. I'm sure everyone
does, but I think of mine as worse.
I do have some good qualities, but spelling and knowledge of words (in
both areas I must admit limited knowledge at best and overuse of such)
are getting less and less useful, especially if I'm going to be a music
teacher or performer. I can play clarinet and sing pretty well,
but there are plenty of people in this world who probably did both
better than I do now years earlier in their lives. I will do
almost anything a friend asks me to, but I trust people very easily and
have little fear of embarassing myself further because I see myself as
having no dignity anyway. Here I go into more
self-beratement. Keeping all this in is not the way to deal with
it, but if you read this whole post, did you really want to have read
any of it?
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